Barry is a burly man

He must be six foot five

But despite his strength in stature

Inside he’s only half that size

You see Barry has a secret

It was always plain to see

Poor Barry was a baby

That was never meant to be

He must sense that I am open

To hearing of his woes

He admits much later on

That what he’s shared with me, few know

Barry was adopted

Should be his parents’ pride and joy

But by miracle they got pregnant

And he was “someone else’s” boy

He says frankly,

“No one wanted me,

Not mom, and then not them”

So many of his issues

have the same initial stem

He’s jealous of the babies

Who are wanted, planned and loved

He says, “When my mom was pregnant,

Her belly wasn’t even rubbed.

What did she eat? What did she drink?

What thoughts ran through her head?”

Instead of rapture in her pregnancy

Barry’s mother just felt dread

Barry was adopted

By a couple who had tried

For years to have a baby

Their hopes and dreams had been denied

So they bit the bullet – so to speak –

And applied for someone else’s

A truly generous sort of act

The ‘epitome of selfless’

But shortly after they brought him home

The brand new family

Learned fate had taken quite a turn

They were expecting their own ‘she’

So Barry took the backburner

Barry always felt the brunt

Of being “the adopted kid”

(He was sorry to be blunt)

Except he doesn’t know I get it

Perhaps subconsciously he knew

That I was also a mistake

A regretful womb is where I grew

The clouds of fear and guilt remain

Over mine and Barry’s heads

Insecurities are at our cores

A demeaning diet we were fed

We’ve never felt quite good enough

Or worthy of affection

They wished they’d never had us

(which grows like an infection)

Barry’s rough around the edges

On Barry there’s no flies

He doesn’t give a damn, he says

That his parents didn’t even try

His Mom is in a rest home

He doesn’t even go to see her

She wouldn’t care to see him now

All her love was for his sister

He admits he sought his birth mom out

He regrets it now, he says

She’s trailer trash

No good

A mess

But he got questions off his chest

Like did she know his father?

And if she did, who was he?

Her memories weren’t fond of him

And at the best, were fuzzy

He asks her if she wet the bed

The way he did, for years

He doesn’t know, that’s not passed down

A habit prompted by his fears

He hoped meeting her would fix him

Close a wound that hasn’t healed

But when he saw her face and spoke to her

It was really just surreal

She showed no signs of care

Remorse

Interest, or affection

Her candour inappropriate

Lacking any introspection

It didn’t break her heart one bit

To give him up, she said

If she’d kept him at that stage of life

They’d likely both be dead

She doesn’t get that her words sting

Tears burning Barry’s eyes

His rough and tough demeanor

Is what she sees, but it’s all lies

She had two more children later on

A boy and girl she kept

Barry wonders, “What was wrong with me?”

All by himself he wept

And although my mother kept me

Of which I’m surely glad

She reminded me quite often

That she wished she never had

So now I find my purpose

my healing and my haven

In my own son’s embrace and eyes

(especially when he’s misbehaving)

Because perfection is impossible

I know, I strived for years

An ideal you can’t ever attain

Despite your blood

Your sweat

Your tears

I waited ’til my thirties

I am married, happily

Barry wasn’t even twenty

His wife was only seventeen

He made her an honest woman

They’re still together

They have three

A boy he doesn’t talk to now

And then two girls; close as can be

They won’t even see their brother

Their mother’s heartbroken, she frets

He admits he was too hard on him

But can he remedy regrets?

I ask him if he’s even tried

Has he explained himself at all?

When Barry was a child

he was made to feel so small

And although it is quite difficult

Cycles can be broken

Never too late to start afresh

If we share our words, unspoken

I ask him what he’s got to lose?

Being vulnerable can be healing

Because then he won’t feel so alone

In the strife with which he’s dealing

His feelings for his mother

Seem to be a cause that’s lost

But his concern and love felt for his son

Are what make him turn and toss

He sees himself inside his son

He dealt him the same hand

He made him feel unwanted

And yet his son can’t understand

That Barry didn’t know better

At such an early age

He was still so young and vulnerable

His story stuck on the same page

He did all that he knew how to do

He loved him the wrong way

And now their broken bond

Is a price that they both pay

I hope that Barry heard me

I hope he takes my words to heart

For the rift will only widen

The more they are apart

I’m thankful for the closure

That my Mom and I embraced

She was sorry for her lack of love

Which I blindly always chased

I’m thankful that, in her last days

We had our heart to hearts

But what a shame, so much lost time

We fell – separately – apart

So why not come together?

Talk of your past, and then,

Like meeting someone new to you

You can begin again

The lesson that I’ve learned here

(maybe I didn’t quite yet know)

My son was planned and wanted

And in a space of love he’ll grow

And when he is much older

And he reflects upon his past

There won’t ever be a single doubt

His sense of self will be steadfast

I once dreamt – oh so vividly

That I came face to face

With a younger version of myself

We stood in the same place

It broke my heart to see myself

So thin

So frail

So sad

I knelt down and I cupped my face

And I tried not to be mad

I looked right into young me’s eyes

I told her to be strong

I said, “It gets much better

I promise – you belong”

And even if the people who

should love you don’t know how

There is a light on your horizon

And you will make it there, somehow

I hugged myself so tightly

I felt young me might break

She didn’t quite know how to hug

I felt her body quake

But as I pulled away from her,

the glimmer, it was there

The spark was lit inside her heart

And I said, “I’ll see you there”

– C. Mom