Hello! My name is Caitlin, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve danced like no one was watching.
The only ‘influence’ I’ve ever needed to get up and let go is the right beat, and then I’m lost (while at the same time found). Words fail to explain the cathartic feeling dancing gives me, but the point isn’t to explain or justify it, anyway.
While dancing, I let go of my many inhibitions and insecurities and let music fill me, move through me, and distract me from my hardships and the everyday struggles of reality. I’ve danced on many actual dance floors, yes, but I’ve also danced while watering my gardens, while cleaning, while cooking, or while brushing my teeth (a nightly ritual). If it’s the least bit possible to do it while dancing, I likely have. It’s one truly universal language, and yet so many hold back when given the opportunity. It has been one of the best therapies I’ve ever experienced.
A close second to dancing is writing. I’ve always loved to write, but for so many academic years I was graded for my writing. Like ‘reading in order to respond’, that can take the joy out of it; the freedom of expression, the authenticity, the “reckless release”, if you will. My many years as a student jaded my feelings about writing (apart from a few teachers who were very supportive of my style), but then my Mom got sick.
She’d been sick awhile, and we knew her days were limited, but in her final five weeks in the hospital I was struck by anxiety; how was I to keep all of her (and my) loved ones in the loop about her well-being and progress? So I wrote and wrote and wrote. And what blew my mind was that people read, listened, and cared.
One emotion that drives me in many circumstances in my life is guilt. It’s in my bones, unfortunately, and although I’ve had many well-intentioned people give me the best possible pep talks about ‘letting it go’, it just isn’t that easy. The great thing about writing is that I can vent, express and release what’s going on in my life and in my mind, and only those who want to follow, will. It takes out the inevitable guilt I feel after opening up to people who I feel I’ve burdened. It takes the pressure off of those who don’t want to hear it, or don’t really care.
After my Mother’s passing I started a blog to work through the stages of grief I was experiencing (it can be found here: http://thelastplaceilefther.blogspot.ca/). Some posts were heavy, others light, most were both. I wrote like no one was reading, which meant I didn’t hold back. I didn’t censor. I wasn’t selective. My writing is my interpretation and reflection on my life experiences. Those haven’t always been rosy, and I’m sure that sometimes came as a shock to anyone who took the time to read, but it was honest. And it felt really, really good.
I wrote from the perspective of a motherless daughter. An only child to a single parent who is no longer living in a physical sense. I wrote when I could, but that was never nearly enough. So many reflections were never expressed, mostly because I prioritize poorly. I’m hoping that moving forward, in a new way, will change that.
I’m still the motherless daughter, but now I’m a mother, too. I’m also a wife, a friend, and a good-intentioned stranger. So often I find myself making a mental note that reads “I’d love to write about that”, but so many of my experiences as of late don’t fit into my old blog’s format.
That brings us here. Where I’ll write “like there’s nobody watching”. Where I’ll reflect on past and present experiences, worries for the future, and opinions that readers may not always share. Know that I never intend to offend or upset, and I will do my best to avoid that at all costs. But this is my forum, afterall.
I used to sign off as C. Daughter, as my mother always signed off her (many) notes as T. Mom. Being my mother’s daughter has defined me in so many ways throughout my life. It has taken becoming a mom myself to really start seeing myself in a new light. It has challenged me in more ways than I can count, but I’ve never been happier, and I’ve never felt so at home in my own skin.
So, I’ll now sign off as C. Mom. I’ve earned the title and I wear it proudly. Don’t be confused and assume my topics will all be parenting related, because trust me, that is so far from the truth. They sometimes will be, and it will have an influence on what I have to share, but here I’ll talk about a little bit of everything, and I’ll be more than grateful if you come along for the ride.
Like There's Nobody Watching 