If I could just go back in time

I’d change so many things

Missteps in every stage of life

To which my memories cling

You’d think that I’d know better

That I’d learn once and for all

You’d think that shame would teach me

But desperation’s my downfall

I don’t mean to make excuses

But I seek to understand

Why I’ve made some choices in the past

With just myself to reprimand

My intent is never to cause harm

When fanning sparks while I’m connecting

Deep down I know my heart is genuine

And beats itself up when reflecting

Because it’s like I am two people

One is good and just and true

The other’s reckless with abandon

Never knowing what I’ll do

And I place no blame or malice

Because I know I make the choices

But I wonder if it’s partly due

To all my loathsome inner voices

Won’t cast judgment onto others

Don’t hold grudges

Don’t feel spite

But the disdain I feel toward myself

Tends to keep me up at night

I act on impulse and don’t think-through

How my actions impact others

Like fires flickering within me

That my conscience cannot smother

Self control never my strong suit

And I come by that honestly

Nature and nurture twined together

I can’t cut down my family tree

My mother had a fiery soul

Such a beauty

Without flaunting

And she never quite fit anywhere

In the flesh – now ash – she’s haunting

And my father is untameable 

Rarely well-behaved or couth

Doesn’t think before he speaks or acts

And my existence serves as proof

A transgression was my starting point

Their spark was undeniable

When gas is thrown upon an eager blaze

Its impacts are unreliable

And so I am the ember

Glowing in a dying fire

Somehow hurting what I come to touch

Connection kindling for desire

And all the bridges that I’ve come to burn

I’ve sparked unconsciously

If you could only read my mind

And heart

You might be easier on me 

My two sides are always duelling

They tend to trip me up

And bind me

All the fires that I start

That spread

Start out warm

And then they blind me

So I can’t see the forest for the trees

Even when they’re set ablaze

I lose myself inside the moments

Off-course amidst the smokey haze

Reaching out in all directions

For hands and hearts that feel like home

My surroundings left to smoulder

Lungs full of smoke 

And all alone

I’m so sorry if I’ve wandered

I am so far from my point

I’m just tangents and digressions

That are aching at the joints

I am a lengthy run-on sentence

I make the rules up as I go

My mind is full of seeds I’ve planted

But all the weeds have overgrown

At times I’m tangled in the brambles

Trapped in the thickets of my mind

Faint dappled light dances around me

The dark and I are intertwined

My train of thought’s a locomotive

And it barrels down the tracks

No end in sight on its horizon

Sometimes it slips right through the cracks

It’s like a snowball on a mountain

Starting small and gaining speed

My mind’s momentum is relentless

Rarely remembering to breathe

I am a flurry of intentions

I’m a dichotomy, at best

Between the two ends of all spectrums

I am careening

I confess

And despite this wayward journey

That my mind drags me along

I’m seeking shelter in connections

Forever longing to belong

In a world where hoops keep moving

I’m now content with where I stand

Some say, “jump”

I say, “no thanks”

Bare feet now firmly on the land

My image won’t define me

My looks should be looked past

My reflection still deceives me

I turn away

and in

and fast

For what lies beneath my surface

Are the parts I wish to share

My heart craves a true connection

My soul aches for what is fair

And when you speak to me, I’ll listen

Intently

I’ll want more

I’ll urge you (without pressure)

To leave inhibitions at the door

Because your story is worth telling

I want to hear what makes you, ‘you’

What lights a fire underneath you?

What makes you tick?

What do you do?

And not just what earns you money

But what sets your soul ablaze?

What hobbies make your life worthwhile?

What sparks the joy amidst your days?

And what parts have tried to break you?

What’s knocked you to the floor?

What helped you find the courage

To stand back up

And ask for more

I’ll even dig much deeper;

If you let me

If you’ll share

Like the songs you play to dance to,

When no one else is even there

And to really, truly know you,

Tell me even more

The good

The bad

The ugly

The beautiful

Explore

My curiosity?

It’s bottomless

I’m thirsty, and I’m true

I mean it when I show I care

It’s just something that I do

And maybe I’ve decided

To be the woman that I craved

Subconsciously a haven

Like those for me who surely saved

The young girl who was fearful

Unwanted

And unseen

One who didn’t have a voice

A choice

Or a sturdy place to lean

So I’ll stay steadfast in my kindness

In my support

In all I do

With the hope you’ll be at ease with me

And in response I will be, too

Ever feel like fate swapped quicksand

For the earth beneath your feet?

You feel stuck

You may be paralyzed

Deeply aware of your heartbeat

You’re fearing movement

Though you’re desperate

To break free from where you stand

You are sinking

You can’t bear it

You crave the promise of dry land

And there’s an urgency inside you

That longs to find (and use) its voice

You’re seeking clarity

Direction

Like the answer is a choice

One you grasp at in the distance

An ever-changing, moving mark

Just when you think you’ve pounced upon it

Your hands are empty

In the dark

And yet you always claw your way up

Out

Over

And through

Always learning more about yourself

Like a seed you plant

That grew

So please try to see this panic

And this fear that holds you down

As a lesson you will learn from

When you don’t fight

You float

Won’t drown

Because you’re sinking for a reason

All this rain will quench the drought

And with patience

Time

And trust

You’ll bloom

From the inside out

The universe works

In mysterious ways

It can light up your night times

Or darken your days

There are lessons and reasons

Often stuck between lines

Don’t just skip or glance over

Pause and give them your time

For upon much reflection

Digestion and care

You will see silver linings

That have always been there

Your path is yours only

You’re meant to be here

Your joys and your sorrows

The pleasures and fears

Your heartaches and questions

The suffering, too

They are shaping you always

And making you, you

You can let the world break you

Make you callous and cold

Or allow it to build you

Become strong, remain bold

And when darkness knocks

On your doorstep, it stands

You don’t have to embrace it

But please offer your hand

For there’s just as much good

In the bad that we face

We can’t turn it away

It would be a disgrace

For without any darkness

We wouldn’t feel light

Dawn is the promise

In the longest of nights

So listen more closely

There’s a song in your heart

Sometimes you’ll forget it

When falling apart

But the beat there is steady

A rhythm, keeps time

A constant companion

To keep you in line

There are rhymes in the reasons

Like seasons, we change

Unlike puzzles, we’re fluid

Pieces can re-arrange

So trust in this process

Have faith in your heart

Your path is yours only

With an end and a start

It’s the long stretch between them

That will threaten

And bend

Pull your socks up

Keep going

Don’t give up, or pretend

Roll with the punches

Some you’ll give, some you’ll get

Catch your breath

Dust yourself off

Don’t get lost in regret

And when the path forks

(And I promise, it will)

Sometimes you’ll just know

But in others, be still

For this isn’t a race

Or a contest to win

Take a breath

Trust your instincts

Choose a side

and begin

You can line your ducks up in a row
Cross your t's and dot your i's
Plan ahead and check the weather
You can anticipate blue skies
Make a checklist, do your research
Leave no rock or stone unturned
You can plan something so perfectly
And yet there's one thing that I've learned
And that's you can't control the weather
Or the traffic, or your heart
You may find you're more lost afterwards
Than at the very start
For life is unpredictable
That's the one thing that I know
So throw your caution to the wind
And make the rules up as you go

My Mama was a mallet 

And I a piece of meat 

She spread me out so thin 

A tender puddle at her feet

She couldn’t stand the taste 

Of what I was, upon her plate 

She grimaced with distaste 

With every morsel that she ate 

And all I ever wanted 

Was to keep her satiated 

Yet everything I did 

Only left her aggravated 

And it’s taken me so long 

To understand just what I meant

I was the anvil on her chest 

I was her shoes made of cement 

For Mama was a spirit 

Who always longed to be set free 

And I was her ball and chain 

No matter who I tried to be 

She loved me her own way 

The only way she ever knew

I could never be just right 

No matter what I tried to do

And now I am so grateful 

For the lessons that she taught

Although I miss the net I grew in

It’s no longer where I’m caught 

Now I find I’m making up 

For the time with her I lost 

I am giving what I needed

Love for those whose paths I cross 

Didn’t let her turn me hard 

Instead? A soft, safe place to land 

A broken heart now blown wide open 

Reaching out with helping hands

Mama didn’t tear me down

Despite the many ways she tried 

I have been cleansed and I’ve been polished 

From the years of tears I’ve cried 

Who I am is a decision

I’ve chosen love and I choose light

Shame and fear and indecision

No longer keep me up at night 

I now see that I am bending 

If I didn’t then I’d break 

Ever changing and evolving 

Giving more than what I take 

And my biggest revelation

Is that I’ve never been defined 

By any lack of love received 

A trap I’d made up in my mind

Instead my purpose and my passion 

Now grow from all the love I share 

What matters most is how I give 

The depths and breadth of how I care 

I used to think that all my worth 

Was trapped in love I couldn’t get 

My sense of self was always tarnished 

By Mama’s rage and her regret 

Her absence left me stuck in limbo 

My sole purpose turned to ash 

My determination dormant 

Was left to burn after she crashed 

But now I’m living in a new way 

My table is now turned 

Instead of what I am receiving 

It’s what I give, this much I’ve learned 

My love’s a pill that some can’t swallow 

Instead I get stuck in their throat 

More a bother than a blessing 

A truth that I can’t sugarcoat

So I no longer need acceptance 

Won’t force a love where it can’t grow 

I’m full of passion and I’ll spread it

The ripples spreading to and fro 

For one drop can make a difference 

A reach I may not ever see

I’ll try to make it good and giving 

All that I offer sets me free

Instead of banking on tomorrow 

We should appreciate today 

We must not let ourselves get get tongue-tied 

Over all we didn’t say 

Because the world will keep on turning 

No matter how stuck we may feel 

The time will pass despite how hard

we dig in with our heels 

So let life pass by freely 

Embrace the wonders of each day 

Let the light and dark parts mingle 

There’s calm and comfort in the grey 

The clouds will part as quickly 

As they arrive, and they pour down 

It never lasts forever 

Don’t you worry, you won’t drown 

For the rain can be so cleansing 

Starting fresh and starting new 

Helping all the hurt and heartache 

Feed the earth that you grow through 

Every struggle and each heartbreak

Is a gift; a planted seed 

For we’d never know we are alive

If we don’t see that we all bleed 

So let yourself crack open

It will only let in light 

And then when the dark engulfs you

You will illuminate the night 

Music is my safe place

Music is my home 

It sneaks in past my eardrums 

And settles in my bones 

When I dance my breathing steadies

I feel confident and free 

Both are things I rarely ever feel 

If it’s not surrounding me

My heart has its own rhythm 

And it always craves a mate 

Anything to help inspire it

To beat beyond its gates 

I am a mover, I’m a shaker 

My hips – and heart – alike

Music wakes me in the morning 

And also keeps me up at night 

It’s a universal language 

One thing the whole world shares, it’s true 

It’s what binds my parts together 

When my own world comes unglued 

I was once a shrinking violet

Just a flower on the wall 

I wouldn’t dare ruffle a feather 

Content and happy to stay small 

I was put into a corner 

Didn’t want to take up space

Though I was broken on the inside 

I kept a smile upon my face

I coasted and I tiptoed 

I whispered; I refrained 

I bit my tongue so long 

My teeth will always be blood-stained 

On the outside all was rosy

I even convinced myself 

Glad to sit on the back-burner 

In a box, upon a shelf 

Until one day I cracked wide open 

Unclenched my jaw, opened my eyes 

I found my voice through racing heartbeats 

Spoke my truth through heavy sighs 

And the feeling was so freeing 

That I dared not slow or cease 

For sharing my heart’s stories 

Has truly brought me inner peace 

I have a voice now, and opinions 

I have a backbone, it is strong 

Some no longer recognize me 

But I was in here, all along 

Life is a journey of becoming 

Rearranging as we go 

It’s an epic evolution 

Change is steady, sometimes slow 

But when we try to fight it

Drag our heels and seal our lips 

Life lacks worth and it lacks meaning 

Slipping through our fingertips 

So embrace the you you are now 

Don’t you dare apologize

The ground is sturdy underneath you

There’s no limit in your skies

If we are rigid or embarrassed 

If we let shame box us in 

We will never know the feeling 

Of releasing what’s within 

It will be an uphill venture 

You’ll dodge critics (one is you) 

Just don’t lose your voice or boldness 

No matter what life throws at you