If I could just go back in time

I’d change so many things

Missteps in every stage of life

To which my memories cling

You’d think that I’d know better

That I’d learn once and for all

You’d think that shame would teach me

But desperation’s my downfall

I don’t mean to make excuses

But I seek to understand

Why I’ve made some choices in the past

With just myself to reprimand

My intent is never to cause harm

When fanning sparks while I’m connecting

Deep down I know my heart is genuine

And beats itself up when reflecting

Because it’s like I am two people

One is good and just and true

The other’s reckless with abandon

Never knowing what I’ll do

And I place no blame or malice

Because I know I make the choices

But I wonder if it’s partly due

To all my loathsome inner voices

Won’t cast judgment onto others

Don’t hold grudges

Don’t feel spite

But the disdain I feel toward myself

Tends to keep me up at night

I act on impulse and don’t think-through

How my actions impact others

Like fires flickering within me

That my conscience cannot smother

Self control never my strong suit

And I come by that honestly

Nature and nurture twined together

I can’t cut down my family tree

My mother had a fiery soul

Such a beauty

Without flaunting

And she never quite fit anywhere

In the flesh – now ash – she’s haunting

And my father is untameable 

Rarely well-behaved or couth

Doesn’t think before he speaks or acts

And my existence serves as proof

A transgression was my starting point

Their spark was undeniable

When gas is thrown upon an eager blaze

Its impacts are unreliable

And so I am the ember

Glowing in a dying fire

Somehow hurting what I come to touch

Connection kindling for desire

And all the bridges that I’ve come to burn

I’ve sparked unconsciously

If you could only read my mind

And heart

You might be easier on me 

My two sides are always duelling

They tend to trip me up

And bind me

All the fires that I start

That spread

Start out warm

And then they blind me

So I can’t see the forest for the trees

Even when they’re set ablaze

I lose myself inside the moments

Off-course amidst the smokey haze

Reaching out in all directions

For hands and hearts that feel like home

My surroundings left to smoulder

Lungs full of smoke 

And all alone